The next best thing
Embracing the body you have through self-care.
I have often wondered how incredibly successful escorts have dealt with their body image. I have struggled with trying to find a healthy balance between what I can maintain and what I can work towards. Looking through rentboy ads in New York or LA is maddening but sometimes I know I am attractive, I am a gainfully employed sex worker but is that knowledge ever good enough to sate our insecurities?
As I write this I have found a place next to the escalators at vendor mart for IML (international Mr Leather). As I watch this procession of seemly perfect bodies I can’t help but feel a little flabby. I am not sure I will ever be 190lb of pure muscle at 5’8 but it doesn’t mean I don’t want to look like a beefcake. I found myself sucking in my stomach or keeping my abs flexed while my shirt was off and I don’t like that allow myself to be that insecure.
I look as these men and wish I was them but at the same time I despise them because so many of them are husks of human beings. They are so consumed by vanity that it warps their personality but am I any different? The amount of effort I have to put into my body is staggering when I really think about it, I have a trainer, I take supplements left and right, I cook nearly all of my meals, I go to the gym 5 times a week and push my body to the point of exhaustion but its never good enough because that hot guy across the room will always look better.
A few months ago I crashed from lack of self-care and had to reevaluate what was important to me. Where did the upkeep of my body for work end and I begin? I realized that my going to the gym was more for the sake of vanity than it was for my own health and that was a really upsetting place to be. I have had to do a lot of soul searching during the last month to figure out what I can do to maintain a healthy balance in my life.
I have had to limit my clients and be a bit more discerning in whom I would take on. For a while I was taking on more than a should and people that weren’t very good for my self-esteem. I had a client 6 or 7 months ago who grabbed my chest, paused and said, “wow I thought it would be a whole lot firmer based on your pictures”. I didn’t know quite what to say to that but it hurt. It was at that point that I realized how destructive this industry can be if you allow it to be.
Clients have told me what to do with my body, get more tattoos, don’t get any more tattoos, get something pierced, don’t get anything pierced, tell me not to eat so much or eat more so I bulk up. There comes point where you have to figure out a happy medium and I am SLOWLY figuring it out for myself. My body is my own not my clients, they may rent it for an hour or 2 but its mine and I can do what ever I damn well please with it. Our looks get us hired but it’s the quality of person we are that keeps them coming back. I will never get rid of my love handles, that old adage of more to love sticks with me; I am starting to accept that its okay that I am not perfect but I am good enough for me.