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The next best thing

Embracing the body you have through self-care.

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I have often wondered how incredibly successful escorts have dealt with their body image. I have struggled with trying to find a healthy balance between what I can maintain and what I can work towards. Looking through rentboy ads in New York or LA is maddening but sometimes I know I am attractive, I am a gainfully employed sex worker but is that knowledge ever good enough to sate our insecurities?

As I write this I have found a place next to the escalators at vendor mart for IML (international Mr Leather). As I watch this procession of seemly perfect bodies I can’t help but feel a little flabby. I am not sure I will ever be 190lb of pure muscle at 5’8 but it doesn’t mean I don’t want to look like a beefcake. I found myself sucking in my stomach or keeping my abs flexed while my shirt was off and I don’t like that allow myself to be that insecure.

I look as these men and wish I was them but at the same time I despise them because so many of them are husks of human beings. They are so consumed by vanity that it warps their personality but am I any different? The amount of effort I have to put into my body is staggering when I really think about it, I have a trainer, I take supplements left and right, I cook nearly all of my meals, I go to the gym 5 times a week and push my body to the point of exhaustion but its never good enough because that hot guy across the room will always look better.

A few months ago I crashed from lack of self-care and had to reevaluate what was important to me. Where did the upkeep of my body for work end and I begin? I realized that my going to the gym was more for the sake of vanity than it was for my own health and that was a really upsetting place to be. I have had to do a lot of soul searching during the last month to figure out what I can do to maintain a healthy balance in my life.

I have had to limit my clients and be a bit more discerning in whom I would take on. For a while I was taking on more than a should and people that weren’t very good for my self-esteem. I had a client 6 or 7 months ago who grabbed my chest, paused and said, “wow I thought it would be a whole lot firmer based on your pictures”. I didn’t know quite what to say to that but it hurt. It was at that point that I realized how destructive this industry can be if you allow it to be.

Clients have told me what to do with my body, get more tattoos, don’t get any more tattoos, get something pierced, don’t get anything pierced, tell me not to eat so much or eat more so I bulk up. There comes point where you have to figure out a happy medium and I am SLOWLY figuring it out for myself. My body is my own not my clients, they may rent it for an hour or 2 but its mine and I can do what ever I damn well please with it. Our looks get us hired but it’s the quality of person we are that keeps them coming back. I will never get rid of my love handles, that old adage of more to love sticks with me; I am starting to accept that its okay that I am not perfect but I am good enough for me.

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4 Comments

  1. Matt

    July 13, 2014 at 10:48 pm

    If this is what goes through your head as someone who gets paid based partly in your looks, think about the body issues of the men who hire you. There’s a reason why men and esp gay men are having body issues. Porn stars aka models become the celebrities in the gay community. So what does it say to the average gut without muscles or a six pack, who eats a carb and doesn’t work out several hours a day. I have low self esteem and know all of this affects me. I even went thru a stage where I thought if I pseudo “escorted” and got paid for getting blown that I would feel better about myself. Forget that I look better than most my age. I’m very insecure and the sex biz really has messed up with iyy

  2. Allen

    August 1, 2014 at 10:03 am

    Wow, you really hit the nail on the head. I think Body image is something we all struggle with. We can only be the best we can be!

  3. Universal Potentate

    August 2, 2014 at 7:07 am

    This guy clearly WANTS to be in better shape but hasn’t figured out how to do it. Instead of bitching, making excuses and “being philosophical” about body image, do the research necessary to learn how to sculpt and shape your body. They do teach this stuff. It’s knowable.
    It would seem that whatever trainers he’s using aren’t teaching him this information and whatever supplements he’s taking aren’t working or he’s not using them properly. He needs to go through the educational process for himself.

    Looks are important and so is health … to HIM! If his schtick was that he’s a leather bear then his clients wouldn’t be concerned about his belly … cause that’s what they’re paying for!
    If someone tries to put on a mask of confidence over their massive insecurities, then people will see that confidence and think, “I can give this guy a couple words of advice. He can take it!” That person soon realize their mask is just a mask and all they feel is nothing but their own insecurities.

    Education, not emotional fortitude, is the answer. Learn what works in general. Then learn what works for you. And never stop learning! It’s important. TO YOU!

    • Chris Wydeman

      September 11, 2014 at 1:53 am

      Thank you for that morsel of wisdom. After loosing 50lb its taking time for my body to tone up and I have an amazing trainer who works my ass off. I have seen great results while I have worked with him but it takes time.

      As for having a belly what I thought might be clear but apparently wasn’t is that if I were leaner and beefier I would have a bigger client base because “my look” would cover more peoples interests.

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