Holding it Together
One bodyworker shares true struggles in a relationship.
“Okay sweetie, I’m going to work.”
Snake grabs my shoulder. His look is skeptical and critical.
“Do you have everything?”
Snake’s eye is critical. He’s a jeweler.
“Condoms? Lube? Your wallet? Did you leave the hotel and room number with someone? You didn’t leave it with me at least.”
I grin sheepishly. I haven’t left it with anyone this time.
“I’ve seen him before, he’s a good guy. I should be home by 10.”
Snake stands on his toes to kiss me. He sighs.
“If you’re not done, call me.”
With surprising fluidity, he slips in a caress. It’s been 10 years and he still pulls out romance at unexpected moments.
“Love you too. Leave him sore and aching, but leave some for me, alright? I’ll be all cleaned out when you get back.”
I grin. He really wants it tonight.
Then I’m off to work.
It is only recently that my clients and other escorts know I have a husband.
After the initial double-take, you might ask,“How do you two do it?”
Keeping a good relationship with a primary partner as a sex worker is a challenging task. We had several factors that formed a solid basis for our relationship and behaviors and attitudes we have cultivated that keep up going strong. And then, eureka!
When I entered the sex industry, our relationship was already strong and active for years. We met while I was sculpting chocolate and he was helping friends out at the same art convention. Since then, we share the same core values and have many overlapping interests.
Initially, sex work was a secret that caused me great anxiety to hold onto for fear of being criticized or being a disappointment. When I came out (again), Snake’s response was more hurt that he had been held back on after we had been open about everything else. Once everything came into the open, we made a choice to move past the misgivings and make the best of the reality of my work and how it affected our lives.
He has the same concerns any partner would have. These include STI safety, trouble with the law, being ethical in business and with other people involved. He also wants me to continue pursuing interests that make me a well-rounded creative person instead of being overwhelmed with the money involved. Ultimately, we choose to cultivate a few key behavior guidelines that make work and home life harmonious.
From the outset, we do not believe in a relationship one person completes the other, especially between men. Each man is already whole and complete by himself. We have our own interests and pursuits we support together but not always participate in. A relationship is where you become more than the sum of your parts, while still independently developing your own happiness.
Jealousy is the biggest challenge most couples related to sex workers face. Snake had already decided years earlier not to let jealousy enter the relationship for any reason. He teaches me this value daily. There are reasonable concerns for safety and there are legitimate needs for our own uninterrupted time of intimacy and personal comfort away from business.
Time management was the biggest challenge for me to handle responsibly. In this instance, it means to create space for your personal relationships to strengthen, including the time you have by yourself. At the beginning, it is very tempting to keep the phone next to you all the time and answer it to get that extra money. This behavior almost cost me my relationship because Snake felt at one point he had to make appointments to spend time with me. Now the phone is off when it needs to be off.
Raucous and unrestricted humor have been the best to keep our time together fresh. He’ll make me mad, I’ll threaten to call one of my other 10 boyfriends to treat me right. I’ll make him mad, he’ll throw a dollar at me and dare me to service him. This is completely un-PC and I wouldn’t recommend this as a template. Finding that special sense of twisted humor only you two share though? It’s the best.
Eureka! One day I found the best thing ever to keep the relationship healthy and balanced with work. You ready?
Officially, Snake became “My number 1 Client.”
Amazing. Being so driven with work that means you have to entertain many other people makes it easy for you to lose sight of your priorities. By merging work and home life together into a cohesive whole, this insight has been the healthiest attitude possible to keep anxiety low and a good relationship to a great one.
Now it’s 11pm and I’m back. Snake is in bed watching Star Trek on his tablet.
“How was work?”
I sigh. “It was alright. He fingered my hole and I popped. I’m beat.”
Snake glances up from his tablet with disapproval.
“You’re not getting to bed until I get mine.”
“Give me 10 minutes.”
He pulls out a 1-dollar bill, crumples it up and throws it.
Pop. Square in the forehead.
No time to shower, no time to talk. He just grabs my nipples and now I’m doing an encore.